The folks in Sony’s marketing department, saddled with the uphill battle of trying to make us care about yet another Spider-Man spin-off that’s neither Marvel Studios, animated, nor Venom, have a better sense of what audiences want to see than the filmmakers do. So if you’re tempted to go and see Madame Web in hopes that it will show you three hot young actresses in skin-tight super-suits and spider-goggles flipping around, at least be forewarned. Everything that you’ve seen in trailers is pretty much all there is in the movie, and it’s a flash-forward, to boot. The girls do dance on a diner table in their regular clothes, but that’s about it.
Teenage Non-Mutant Normal Humans
By the time Madame Web is done, the teen trio — Julia Cornwall (Sydney Sweeney), Anya Corazon (Isabela Merced), and Mattie Franklin (Celeste O’Connor) — still aren’t superheroes yet, in one of the worst cases of origin-itis this sort of film has ever seen. Once again, we’re back to the pre-MCU mistake of spending so long on the origin story that by the time the movie gets to the part we want to see, it’s over. Actually, Madame Web doesn’t even get that far, offering only the origin of the title character, played by Dakota Johnson. Comics fans know that the character looks quite a bit different on the page than Johnson’s 30-year-old EMT. Rest assured, the movie knows this, too, though it’s not going to age her up to her 60s.
Not yet, anyway — the film is pointedly set mostly in 2003, so it can hint at yet another origin. Cassandra Webb (Johnson) has a partner at work named Ben Parker (Adam Scott), who takes her to his sister-in-law’s baby shower, at which she remarks the fetus keeps “leaping around” inside of her. Boy, that Ben just can’t wait to be an uncle, though to whom may be in question. The timeframe only even vaguely works for Tom Holland’s Spidey, unless it’s an entirely new Peter.
By Any Other Name…
In Spider-Man 2, J. Jonah Jameson wondered what the odds were that a man named Otto Octavius would wind up with eight arms. In full hindsight, they seem more likely than that a woman named Cassandra Webb gained the power of pessimistic prophecy from her pregnant mom getting spider-bitten in the Amazon. If the Peter Parker of this universe is surprised by his powers at any point, it’ll be a wonder — the Amazon rain forest isn’t just full of spider-people, but there’s also an evil one roaming around New York City.
That would be Ezekiel Sims (Tahar Rahim), a corrupt former partner of Cassandra’s late mom, who got bitten by the same spider and survived. Now, every night, he dreams of being killed by three young women in spider suits — in true Greek tragedy style, he sets out to prevent the prophecy by killing them first, thus bringing them into conflict with him in the first place. The seemingly random interference of Cassandra Webb, who has developed a clairvoyant spider sense, complicates matters. Fortunately for him, in this world of 2003, he has an inside track on the kind of surveillance technology all spy movies take for granted in 2024. And he can walk on walls.
For his work in A Prophet and The Mauritian, Rahim has been nominated for and won many awards globally, so we can only assume he simply did not care to put in any effort here, as he seems to be reading his lines from cue cards. Each word is perfectly pronounced; not one has an iota of honest feeling behind it.
Cry, Laugh, Express Yourself…
Like Morbius, Madame Web seems to have been scripted without the sort of knowing humor that elevates the MCU, which plays against Johnson’s strengths. She’s good at looking confused but mostly gets laughs by delivering gratuitous exposition that should have been omitted and could have been written by AI. (Officially, the blame goes to Matt Sazama & Burk Sharpless and Claire Parker & SJ Clarkson, from a story by Kerem Sanga and Matt Sazama & Burk Sharpless.) Only during one of the very last scenes does Johnson get to deliver an actual in-joke, and it’ll make you wish she had more. Incidentally, there are no credits scenes or big surprises, so feel free to leave any time.
Writer-director-executive producer SJ Clarkson previously directed the pilot for Marvel’s Defenders, among other A-list TV and streaming shows, showing little of that ability here. We might generously suggest the movie’s awkward story editing and time-wasting scenes that add nothing to the narrative indicate executive producer meddling or a patchwork script in need of salvaging. But since Clarkson’s name is attached to all those roles, she may not merit the grace.
The Wrong Movie Lived!
Madame Web picks up when it isn’t actually about Madame Web but the Spider-Women. All are actually in their twenties but playing teens, and Sydney, Merced, and O’Connor have the easy chemistry of defiant youth. Judging (correctly, at first) that Ms. Webb is not a reliable guardian, they quickly bond under pressure. It may prove to be Sony’s biggest misstep that they didn’t simply skip ahead and make the movie primarily about this trio, who do not get nearly enough screen time because apparently Dakota Johnson narrating her thoughts out loud to herself is more interesting to somebody at Sony.
Venom was fun. Morbius was bad. Madame Web is sometimes so bad it’s fun. Wait until it’s safe to enjoy it in an impaired state, and you might get through it.
Grade: 2/5
Madame Web opens on February 14 in theaters.
